*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
From Facebook just now…
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]