Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert