Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

🤨

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

I will never stop laughing at this

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins