GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

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Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.


The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.


[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers


One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.


I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.


What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!


I can’t take the time to exercise but I did some killer cardio pacing indecisively in front of the Ben & Jerry’s section of the supermarket.


The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?


Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target