GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me