@KyleDodsonFunny

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

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@propapergirl

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

@JasonLastname

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@psybermonkey

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

@Contwixt

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

@AnniemuMary

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

@marcia_bee

What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!

@MdUNH

I can’t take the time to exercise but I did some killer cardio pacing indecisively in front of the Ben & Jerry’s section of the supermarket.

@IamJackBoot

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target