GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS