GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.