GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
You are not alone 💚
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats