GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
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My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Plant care tips
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized