@DaddyJew

Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up

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@squirrel74wkgn

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

@capnwatsisname

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

@QwertyJones3

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

@AndyAsAdjective

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

@Otter_News

If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
#SteveThoughts

@WheelTod

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

@UnFitz

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

@sbrooks13

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.