Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up
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*shoots self in foot*
“Damn i like the metaphor better”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*