C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
me @ my friends
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.