@DaddyJew

Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up

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@TheAlexP

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

@Macar00ny

*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”

@GrrrRach

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

@recoveringbapti

The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…

@HomeWithPeanut

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

@sarcasticmommy4

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

@LlamaInaTux

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*