I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?