Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

$3 #books

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe