Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.