Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

The best plant holders?

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji