[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?