Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.