Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Brb my Sims are getting married

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.