gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Yes 😂
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.