Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
You Might Also Like
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
A completely valid reaction tbh
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Cannot stop laughing at this
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
when someone rings the doorbell
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?