Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

it must be school picture day

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

We need more people like this.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle