Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously