Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”