Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

ㅤ

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.