[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Cannot stop laughing at this
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.