[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
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#StillHurts
A short story of betrayal:
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty