Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

This is hilarious

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

marvel comics have peaked

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

How do German people not choke to death when they talk