Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

🖕🏻👽