Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911