Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ugh not again

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today