GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash