GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.