GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*