GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
This is hilarious
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.