Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today