Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

me after drinking all the wine:

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

A new level of troll.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/Fx-LdyaWYBkGdEx.mp4

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Awesome parenting 😂

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok