Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime