Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

*limbos away from your hug*

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.