@CopBroughtPizza

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

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@EwdatsGROSS

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

@spikeWilton67

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

@alexlumaga

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

@Mom_Overboard

[During sex]

Me: * ??????*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

@david8hughes

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

@LeviathanPride

Overheard this locker room convo: “The new school janitor is weird. He’s always hiding in here when we’re showering”. I took my mop and left

@NathanBgood

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

@msgwenl

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?