gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
How funny!
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease