gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I didn’t come here to be called names
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?