Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.