Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

the clam before the storm

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

This is painfully accurate 😅

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?