GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
What the hell happened in there??
I put the hot in psychotic.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl