GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.