GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.