Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids