Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops