GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
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Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
A completely valid reaction tbh
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.