You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy