Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?