Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk

Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not