GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
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I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.