Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

Wow 🤣

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.