GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
This is what makes twitter great
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!