Hey folks, this is Don Key!
Come on down to Key’s Automotive for.. uh-
[camera still rolling]
holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare’s Hamlet didn’t turn out to be the story of a delicious tiny ham.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
decorating my apartment
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant