GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
What the hell happened here.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh