Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

My patience has stretch marks.

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”