Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Me in tagged photos

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Thaw me like one of your french fries