Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.