*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.