gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
You Might Also Like
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them