gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.