@TheHyyyype

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

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@truegritrumble

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

@UncleDuke1969

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

@daemonic3

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

@robfee

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

@Schmoodles

It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.

@CMHorrocks

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

@markydoodoo

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

@JayFinW

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

@armyVet1972

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours