@truegritrumble Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
@TheHyyyype gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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@truegritrumble 
@UncleDuke1969 When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
@daemonic3 ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
@robfee I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
@Schmoodles It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.
@iheartgunts It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
@CMHorrocks Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
@markydoodoo sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
@JayFinW There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
@armyVet1972 1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours