gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

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imagine boycotting beauty & the beast because of a gay character while being totally cool with a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo


[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!


It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”


ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.


Her: I like bad boys

Me: I break the law sometimes

Her: ooooh which one?

Me: *from ceiling* gravity


*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute


HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia