@TheHyyyype

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

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@NewDadNotes

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

@nerdsrockk

When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.

@Sickayduh

At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.

@Jerrypleasure

date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.

@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@iRowlf

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

@drujohnston

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

@AndyLeeman91

If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0

@hazelmotes1

I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*