Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
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When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.
At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.
date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0
I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*