Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’ve had relationships like this
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years