Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
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Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop